Expectant Gaze

Muddled Head

Heavy Heart

I Walk

Not To Seek Solace

Just To Breathe

Behind My Blue Mask.

Soon Enough

I See Them Lined

As They See Me

I Catch Her Gaze

Welcoming

Hesitant And 

Expectant 

And Then Another

Yet Another

All Lined Up

Seeking A Buyer

To Their Earnest

Livelihood.

Further Down

A Familiar Smell

Wafts Through The Air

Crispy Pakodas

Fresh Out Of A Fryer

As She Serves

A Hungry Soul

I Catch Her Gaze

Welcoming

And Expectant

Luring Me 

To Buy Her Wares

So The Old Couple

Could Have A Meal Tonight.

I See Them

Everywhere Now

Those Expectant Eyes

That Rickshaw Puller

Seeking His First Ride

On A Listless Day

That Tiny Shop

Run By An Old Grandpa

Offering Photocopying

In A Locked Out City

That Chocolate Store

Newly Opened

With Dreams 

That Shattered Too Soon

That Flower Lady

Who Walked Miles

To Get A Fresh Bunch

Before Daybreak

Stringing Them Together

In Hope

Of A Faithful

Wanting To Please

His Despondent God

An Expectant Couple

Looking Beyond 

The Curtained Confines

Of A Locked Up Temple

Seeking Blessings

From Their Invisible God

As They Hope 

For A Girl

To Hold Together

The Last Few Shreds

Of A Broken Marriage

The Juice Center

The Vegetable Vendor

The Tea Maker

The Gift Shop

And The 

Hungry Mongrel

Seeking A Friendly 

Sapien,

A Expectant Gaze,

They All Carry.

For

An Expectant Gaze

Awaits Them

As Their Guilty Eyes

Make Their Way Home

Not Having Earned

A Penny

In A Whole Day’s Toil.

Hungry Eyes

Hopeful Souls

Seek Answers

How Much Longer Mom?

Before We Are Seen

By This Decaying World

And Its Apathetic People

How Much Longer Dad?

Before They Realize

We Are Humans Too

Not Castaways In 

The Peking Order

Of Economic Choices

A Muddled Head

An Even Heavier Heart

I Trudge Back Home

Unable To Breathe

Behind The Weight

Of An Expectant Gaze. 

Dilip The King

Quiet were his steps
Invisible almost

Colour to paper
is all he desired

Gasped with joy
when he found
sketches, crayons, paints
laid out in invitation
beckoning him
to flare his imagination

Silently he began
every waking hour
A palace he imagined
Bringing it alive
hue by hue

Not a word he spoke
all of day one
disappearing
in breaks
to his still world
filled with colour

Day two we noticed
when meals he missed
consumed as he was
by his art

Feverish in his endeavour
adding layers of depth
to his thriving imagination

He brought it to life
colour by colour
blacks, reds and blues
in stressed richness
adding dimensions
in mysterious ways

Not a word he spoke
amongst forty others
A craftsman he was
still in his art

As colours emerged
so did he

We saw the shift
certain and real

from flirtive eyes
to steadfast gaze

from fidgety hands
to firm strokes

from drooped shoulders
to arched back

from established frowns
to almost smiles

As his art came alive
He came alive

Feverish in his pace
He slept little
as day three dawned

He knew
his time had come

Quietly he walked
Still, he gazed
as forty pairs
watched
with bated breath

'Art I love
day and night
yet, colours
not have I
at home or school

Colours I see
colours I seek
all around me
even in the drab
of my spaces

To heaven
you brought me
and let me be

You saw me
even as I am
hidden from me

Accept my frailties
with grace you did
and here I am
with grace
I say
Thank You'

and with that
he unfurled
a fantasy palace
brought alive
from deep
in his being
befriended with colours
that danced on paper
under his able command

In that moment,
his eyes shone bright
having found their light
from within his heart
steadfast and sure
they made home
to shine bright
for ever more
Never ever
to be shut again

A journey
just begun
for in art
Dilip (the king)
had found
himself
only himself
truly himself

Note: This is the story of 14-year old Dilip who attended a 4-day outdoor experiential camp by Dream a Dream and where he discovered his inner strength through art

Nostalgia

In a disturbed early morning slumber

a brewing desire 

and then it came

Nostalgia.

It's sweet fragrance

wafting into my senses

the pleasure of pain

from a time in childhood.

My senses beckoned me

I sought it out today

the familiar taste

Yum. Lemon rice it was.

The just crisped onions

the almost friend peanuts

the sweet tingling lime

simmered in a yellowed rice

ah! The lemon rice from my childhood.

It was a Sunday ritual

from our favourite joint

It had no name

like most good places.

Just known by its owner

Ranganna, he was

A balding, paunchy man

with a busy smile.

A packet of the glorious yellow

with a stingy sprinkling 

of spicy chutney

perfect for a Sunday morning.

Most times it was dad

who made the trip,

on his rickety Bajaj

sometimes, inviting me to join him.

We could never have a full packet

for we had to share, 

learnt to share

knowing to stay within our means.

Sometimes mom sneaking her share

onto a our emptying plate. 

while we savoured every bite

of the delicious Lemon Rice.

It was that kind of memory today.

While I got the lemon rice

the experience of family

on a Sunday morning

sharing the ritual

was sorely missing.

Each could have a packet-ful

and more

and yet, I sat there alone

eating my fill, amongst strangers. 

Wishing, pleading, seeking

my childhood to come back 

just for a moment

just for a moment.

so I could fret and fume

that I had to share 

and yet find joy 

in the sharing.

A silent prayer 

gratitude

to my father

for this childhood memory.

A memory

that rekindles Nostalgia

known only to someone

that still seeks.

The Patriarch - 2

He lost his dad at 13
A man he became
for his mother
and sisters
taking decisions
for their well-being
and future.

Working two jobs
He learnt the ways
of the world.

The role of the man
as provider
and protector
a role
that wasn't meant to be.

They looked upto him
for choices and decisions
when he didn't know better.

It was not about being right
but about taking the decision.

he got some right
and most wrong
Yet, it was he
who had to make them.

Marriage meant
more decisions
for an ever growing family

He setup a trade
with borrowed money
a risk
Yet, hopeful
for a change of tide.

His confidence came
from making decisions
even when they were
patriarchal.

A word
he didn't know
a life he lived
day on day.

He worked hard
knowing
he was the provider
food, clothes, et al
holding back
his desires
along the way.

Maybe someday
I will travel the world
for now
I need to save up
for college
for two aspiring offspring
who have dreams of their own.

Nothing but the best for my children
be it food, clothes or education
He was driven
by love or
was it expectation?

A rickety scooter
for most of his life
the same barber
the same tailor
My needs are but small
he convinced himself.

A car he bought once
for his growing family
much criticism
he endured
for being wasteful
and extravagant.

He missed
many a occasion
birthdays
and graduation
many a first
for his adorable lot
when he toiled
in the dusty folds
of an unforgiving trade.

He showed concern
for their choices
clothes they wore
parties they attended
friends they welcomed
life they chose
criticized he was
'what do you know'

He didn't...
The world was changing
his struggle was real
poverty
war
emergency
the changing governments
many an ideology
he had survived it all.

If just he could convey
how much he cared
having never learnt
how to say
how much he loved.

Silence and anger
were his two shields
his only way to
show he cared.

He kept to himself
isolated
yearning
for even in their
rejection
he was still the
provider and protector.

Head down
he worked his day
14 hours
for 61 years.

His time
meant dreams
for his loved ones.

Alone
in his toil
yet never
repentant.

His children
branded him
aloof
and unavailable
old-school
and an embarrassment
for his lack
of sophistication
in clothes and language.

In time,
they left him
to pursue their dreams
create their own worlds
make their own life
where he didn't belong.

In the twilight of his life
He sits on his armchair
drool escaping his lips
awaiting in conscious sleep
A patriarch
who wasn't.

It Finds Me, It Leaves Me

Happiness
It finds me today
In the parched waiting of the soil
In the chirping of the birds
In the charm of the setting sun
In the stories of teachers
In the nourishment of validating voices
In the journey of discovering

Happiness
It leaves me tonight
In the confines of the empty room
In the silence of the loved one
In the violence of my mind
In the noise of the television
In the numbness of my body

It finds me in the strength of my soul
It leaves me in the tiredness of constant striving
It finds me in hope of the now
It leaves me in the hurt of the past

It finds me in the love I feel
It leaves me in the love I feel

Happiness
It finds me, It leaves me

Loneliness

Have you ever felt lonely
in the midst of fulfillment?
in the midst of a crowd?
in love?
in passion?

Have you ever felt lonely
in the midst of achievement?
in the midst of recognition?
in time, time and again?
in spaces, here and there?

Loneliness,
how you reside in my life now
growing on me day and night
every second and minute

I wonder if there is a reason
as there is with everything else

Loneliness,
why have you chosen me
constant and ever there?

~ 2nd September 2008

Cupid Again

Its not been a month
Cupid has reared its face again,
Enticing me,
Titillating me,
With the illusions of the world

It presents me opportunities
Where none existed earlier
It makes my heart tug
At every bench round the corner

The world my playground
and I its only player.

Yet, I wish one wish.
Take me back to my beloved
And make her love me again!

Cupid! Are you listening?

~ 19th February 2010

Unfulfilled

I really wish I could be at peace with unfulfilled love.
Keep the memories.
Keep the love.
Be at peace.
Be.

Can I call this eternal hope. Maybe.
Do I want to have hope. Definitely.
Will that close lives many possibilities? Absolutely.
Yet, all I want to be with is unfulfilled love.

Is it my love for pain?
Has pain that has become a representation of love?
Is Pain and Love the one and same?

Is the ache more familiar to let go?
I seem to prefer the pain 
to the possibilities of new beginnings.

Maybe, I am a person of the past.
I don’t look at the gift of the present.
The past has pain and I want to keep it.
Is that so difficult to understand.

Isn't there optimism in unfulfillment?
Why let go when I CAN keep it.
Everyone around me says let go.
I can let go of most things – life, death, dreams.
Why let go of longing for love. 
This is the only thing 
that's absolutely, completely mine

I wish to keep it.
Nurture it. Delight in it.
Keep it as my elixir of life.

Oh! Unfulfilled love. Stay with me.
Lets be friends and nurture each other.
Don’t you listen to the voices of reason.
This is yours. Keep it.

There is peace and happiness
In keeping the pain of unfulfilled love.

~ 11th July 2013

Walking Away

When you look out the window
You will see me walk away.
Far from you and from our love
Into nothingness and oblivion.

You will not be able to stop me
even if thats all you wish
For my place in your life
is over forever.

You helped me find love
Now I need to unlearn love.

You helped me find companionship
Now I seek loneliness again.

As with everything in life,
I learn to embrace
sorrow that follows happiness.

When you look out the window
you will find me gone
Me and my shadow
forever from your life!

I found love in your embrace
and pain in your rejection.

I found myself in your eyes
and lost myself in your demands.

I found wholesomeness in your companionship
and also emptiness in your faraway gaze.

Time to move on
Free you from the one
that curtails your dreams.

Time to move on
to let your dreams soar
and find their home.

Time to not hold back
but let go.

For in your happiness,
I know I will find mine.
In your dreams,
I will find my peace.

So what, if in our time together
we discovered our dreams are different
atleast we discovered our dreams.

So what, if in our togetherness
we discovered who we are not
atleast now we can seek who we are.

So what, if in our togetherness
we discovered our differences
atleast now we can find one to love.

When you look out the window
you will see me gone,
myself and my shadow, 
forever
leaving no trace
of even our memories.

We can start our journeys again,
our journeys of love and discovery
so what,
if its not together.

~ 13th July 2010

A Dream Last Night

A dream last night.

You were in it.

We walked through London

hand in hand.

We spoke

We dreamt

We thought 

about our life together.

We laughed

We shopped 

We looked far into the future.

You gave me a peck

I smiled.

Suddenly,

A group of revelers 

came dancing by,

They grabbed you

took you away
In a sea of humanity.

I ran after

helter and skelter

searching

and searching

not finding you

scared and afraid

lonely and worried.

I woke.

disturbed.

~ 25th July 2010

Moments

I wish those moments would go away
just to ease the pain

Moments through the day,
atleast a dozen a hour
Moments
when memories come flashing back
bringing you with them.

Moments when I freeze
and ask the questions
why and why not
happy and sad all the same.

Moments
when I wish you near
hear you clear
sense you here
close to me
within me.

How I wish
those moments would go away
yet I wish they never do!

For, in those moments,
I have you in my life again
so what if its not you,
but just a memory in a moment.

~ 25th July 2010

The Bar

There's something about sitting at the Bar and not the table
It gives a bartender's view of life.
I neither feel like a customer nor a bar-tender.
I feel like an observer of life.

Its fascinating to watch them work behind the counters
Making concoctions simple and complex
filling it up
serving, talking, playing, cleaning
Its all about efficiency and speed
Their eyes catch you even before you talk
almost hearing you think.

They know their drinks
and their customers
They are the keeper of secrets
and many a story.
sometimes, they give you a story
or a piece of profound life advice
people of a few words
unless you catch them
at the end of their day.

They are never tired of serving
or listening
love to have you sit at the bar

Maybe a signboard might help
"Drinks come pricey
The bartender is all yours for free"

~ 25th July 2010
These are posts I wrote on a tissue sitting at a local bar in Prague in January 2010.

On Missing

I am in love or
am I in love 

with the idea of love?
I often wonder...

I miss her
More Importantly
I miss being 

a part of her life
feeling wanted, desired, needed
feeling that I mattered to someone

I miss her most
for things,
I loved doing with her
and for her

I miss most
the feeling
that I was 
in someone's life
Now, 
I am not!

~ 25th July 2010.
These are posts I wrote on a tissue sitting at a local bar in Prague in January 2010. 

Dread Going Back

Dread, I do, Going back

for more reasons than one.

Here, anonymous

a nobody!

Back home,

somebody's dream

somebody's expectations

somebody's boss

somebody's ex-love

Dread, I do, going back

to the same morning

the same day

the same responsibilities

the same burdens

Dread, I do, going back

to being a boss

a manager

a torch-bearer 
of a thousand expectations

Dread, I do, going back

to being a son

a friend

a man of the world again

Dread, I do, going back

to the days
of memories
of familiar streets
of familiar people
of familiar love
longing in its want.

Dread, I do, going back

knowing fully well

she will not await me

neither will she be around

to share my life with me

Dread, I do, going back

to not loving.
wishing it
desperately
not allowing.

Dread, I do, going back 

to who I am!

Stay here, I wish

a stranger
a nobody.

~ 25th July 2010.

These are posts I wrote on a tissue sitting at a local bar in Prague in January 2010. 

Sunshine

Give me some Sunshine
to live an other day!
I dont ask for much,
a little would do
just to keep me at bay!

A smile would do
a yellow flower too
a hug
a tug
or maybe a mug

Give me some sunshine
to love an other day!

~ 31st July 2010

Love As Is

I pursue sometimes with futility

and sometimes with vitality

An elusive theme

Simple in its simplicity

and yet none have been able to state it 
with any definity

I wonder 
is someone out there 
I would grow old with.

Love them a bit more 
with every passing moment.

Is there someone I can love more
with each passing day

with each greying hair 
with each crumbling bone.

Is there love that exists 
in such a state of ever-greenery.

If there is,
I wish for such a love.

encompassing my being

seeking me out as I seek it out

Love as is

in eternity.

~ 17th November 2008

How I Know Love!

When I can't wait to tell you,

How much I love you

inspite of the inopportune surroundings

When others see in me

what I haven't seen yet!

When you let me hold your hand

trusting me with your life.

When we hold each other close

in our worst and good times

When we don't agree

and give space to argue our beliefs

never once fading the love we feel

When we are the mirrors

to each other's darkest fears

When we don't fear being honest

and knowing we will not be hurting each other

When we hold space

for each other when the other 

is at their learning edge

When we spend a whole year

searching for the right furniture

because everything we saw just didn't feel right

When we discover love 
at the unlikeliest of places

in crowds

and in the stolen moments

When we want each other to live our dreams

for we know they are important to us

When we see through each other

Help each see the reality

that we blur with our insecurities

When we uphold our beliefs

and our value system 

in the little things we do and say

in our daily lives

When we discover the simplicity of our being,

In the romance we find in our chosen lifestyle

In the rains that drench us in pursuit for our dreams

In the choices we make to living scarcely and responsibly

In the stray puppies we adopt and spoil them to bits

In our discoveries together,

of how much we have grown as human beings

and the way we help each other connect with our souls

In how much we are different,

thousands of my friends as opposed to your few

In your books and my movies

In your cocooned weekends and mine that are packed

In your reflections and my busyness

In your love for shoes and mine for comics

In your love for board games and mine for mindless television

In this and more,

I have learnt to know you and learn to know love 

through you!

~ 26th November 2012. Dedicated to my love. 

A City I can Trust

Give me a city I can Trust!

A city where I can walk with freedom
Where I feel safe to walk the streets
Where I am not killed because of my gender
Where I can be fearless and alive

Give me a city I can trust
Where I know I will be taken care of
protected and loved
Where I can trust my fellow humans
and not fear dark corners or shadows in the night

Give me a city I can trust
Where I can play in parks
Breathe clean air
Care for stray dogs and cats
smell the earth
Fly kites and dance in the rain
pluck fruits from trees
and wake up to chirping of birds

Give me a city
Where love, care and empathy
for all humans, creatures and nature
are the basic tenets of society
and we are the care-takers.

Give me a city I can trust
Where I can make friends with strangers and neighbours
without feeling fearful
Where I get the respect I deserve
for being who I am.

Give me a city
Where I have a say!
Where I can discover and nurture my dreams!
Where I can explore in wonder
the beauty of our world
and feel proud to be a child
born in this city.

I urge you!
Give me a city I want to be born in!

~ An unborn child, 26th November 2012