Belief?

A young boy of 10

unshackled yet

full of life and desire

happy and carefree.

Yes! he said to life

camps, sports or Arts

everything he wanted to try

one life after all.

I saw him grow

creativity was his potential

engagement was his approach

and grit was his friend.

He fell a few times

learnt to rise every time

with the same charming smile

happy and carefree.

Pride I felt

as I saw him

become a man

my work done.

He went his way

into an exciting world

to seek more of life

to create some of his own.

years later,

met him as a man

full of purpose, determination

and the same toothed smile.

Pride I felt

as I saw him

be the man.

my work done.

Yet, something

didn't sit right

the choices

he chose to make.

Abandoned his brother

with decisive finality

who chose to marry

outside his religion.

'We don't have anything to do with him!

he didn't care for us

our religion,

our reputation.'

Shattered,

I sought a chair

a moment longer

let it sink in.

Opportunities

Safe environments

role-modeling adults too

Everything and more...

...That one day

he would be a better man

creating

a better world.

Yet,

Here he was

choosing hatred

over love

choosing divisions

over humanity

choosing religion

over family

choosing...

The same toothed smile

but a different man

It didn't make sense.

have I failed?

Did something go missing

in my commitment

in my role modeling?

How could it happen?

A young boy of 10

Had become a man

that worried me

scared me

overwhelmed me.

What world did he enter?

Who did he meet?

Experiences he had?

That he became a man

unknown to me.

Is it Belief?

that shapes a man

beyond his childhood

in the dark chambers

of his being.

Belief,

where does it come from

I know not anymore. 

The Patriarch - 2

He lost his dad at 13
A man he became
for his mother
and sisters
taking decisions
for their well-being
and future.

Working two jobs
He learnt the ways
of the world.

The role of the man
as provider
and protector
a role
that wasn't meant to be.

They looked upto him
for choices and decisions
when he didn't know better.

It was not about being right
but about taking the decision.

he got some right
and most wrong
Yet, it was he
who had to make them.

Marriage meant
more decisions
for an ever growing family

He setup a trade
with borrowed money
a risk
Yet, hopeful
for a change of tide.

His confidence came
from making decisions
even when they were
patriarchal.

A word
he didn't know
a life he lived
day on day.

He worked hard
knowing
he was the provider
food, clothes, et al
holding back
his desires
along the way.

Maybe someday
I will travel the world
for now
I need to save up
for college
for two aspiring offspring
who have dreams of their own.

Nothing but the best for my children
be it food, clothes or education
He was driven
by love or
was it expectation?

A rickety scooter
for most of his life
the same barber
the same tailor
My needs are but small
he convinced himself.

A car he bought once
for his growing family
much criticism
he endured
for being wasteful
and extravagant.

He missed
many a occasion
birthdays
and graduation
many a first
for his adorable lot
when he toiled
in the dusty folds
of an unforgiving trade.

He showed concern
for their choices
clothes they wore
parties they attended
friends they welcomed
life they chose
criticized he was
'what do you know'

He didn't...
The world was changing
his struggle was real
poverty
war
emergency
the changing governments
many an ideology
he had survived it all.

If just he could convey
how much he cared
having never learnt
how to say
how much he loved.

Silence and anger
were his two shields
his only way to
show he cared.

He kept to himself
isolated
yearning
for even in their
rejection
he was still the
provider and protector.

Head down
he worked his day
14 hours
for 61 years.

His time
meant dreams
for his loved ones.

Alone
in his toil
yet never
repentant.

His children
branded him
aloof
and unavailable
old-school
and an embarrassment
for his lack
of sophistication
in clothes and language.

In time,
they left him
to pursue their dreams
create their own worlds
make their own life
where he didn't belong.

In the twilight of his life
He sits on his armchair
drool escaping his lips
awaiting in conscious sleep
A patriarch
who wasn't.

Here You Belong, Go Find Your Bed

Dim, dark streets
What am I looking for?
What am I running from?
Running to

There is a excitement in the fear
Is it the seeking that urges me on?
Or the instinct to find, to belong

I run through the back alleys
Knowing not where to turn
Yet my body moves
Knowing
Taking me to where I need to be

A building
Like none I have seen before
Crumbling yet alive, buzzing
Tall like holding many secrets
A city within itself

I run
Bodies all around
In the doorways and alleys
In the corridors and stacks of rooms
The small, the big, the round and the Mis-shapen

I run
Towards them or away from them
I know not
But I run
Passing their empty eyes
They look through
Not seeing me
Yet knowing me
Intimately like a lover

Their gaze
It's perturbing
Wanting
Needing
Surprisingly loving

I run
Floor after floor
A never ending maze
Of bodies and eyes

I reach the pinnacle
A spectacle of a million bodies
Adults and children
The able and disabled
In decay and yet thriving
A sea of humanity

I hope and seek sadness
I find only joy and laughter
I assume decadence
Yet in their poverty
I find thriving
I look, I seek, I wonder
Confused with this wondrous unreality

A kid
With a smile
I haven't known in life
A body so frail
Yet eyes so alive

"Here you belong,
Go find your bed!"

And bang
I am awake
In my one dimensional world
Struggling to belong
Yearning to go back
To the land of decay and alive!

Loneliness

Have you ever felt lonely
in the midst of fulfillment?
in the midst of a crowd?
in love?
in passion?

Have you ever felt lonely
in the midst of achievement?
in the midst of recognition?
in time, time and again?
in spaces, here and there?

Loneliness,
how you reside in my life now
growing on me day and night
every second and minute

I wonder if there is a reason
as there is with everything else

Loneliness,
why have you chosen me
constant and ever there?

~ 2nd September 2008

Walking Away

When you look out the window
You will see me walk away.
Far from you and from our love
Into nothingness and oblivion.

You will not be able to stop me
even if thats all you wish
For my place in your life
is over forever.

You helped me find love
Now I need to unlearn love.

You helped me find companionship
Now I seek loneliness again.

As with everything in life,
I learn to embrace
sorrow that follows happiness.

When you look out the window
you will find me gone
Me and my shadow
forever from your life!

I found love in your embrace
and pain in your rejection.

I found myself in your eyes
and lost myself in your demands.

I found wholesomeness in your companionship
and also emptiness in your faraway gaze.

Time to move on
Free you from the one
that curtails your dreams.

Time to move on
to let your dreams soar
and find their home.

Time to not hold back
but let go.

For in your happiness,
I know I will find mine.
In your dreams,
I will find my peace.

So what, if in our time together
we discovered our dreams are different
atleast we discovered our dreams.

So what, if in our togetherness
we discovered who we are not
atleast now we can seek who we are.

So what, if in our togetherness
we discovered our differences
atleast now we can find one to love.

When you look out the window
you will see me gone,
myself and my shadow, 
forever
leaving no trace
of even our memories.

We can start our journeys again,
our journeys of love and discovery
so what,
if its not together.

~ 13th July 2010

Sunshine

Give me some Sunshine
to live an other day!
I dont ask for much,
a little would do
just to keep me at bay!

A smile would do
a yellow flower too
a hug
a tug
or maybe a mug

Give me some sunshine
to love an other day!

~ 31st July 2010

Love As Is

I pursue sometimes with futility

and sometimes with vitality

An elusive theme

Simple in its simplicity

and yet none have been able to state it 
with any definity

I wonder 
is someone out there 
I would grow old with.

Love them a bit more 
with every passing moment.

Is there someone I can love more
with each passing day

with each greying hair 
with each crumbling bone.

Is there love that exists 
in such a state of ever-greenery.

If there is,
I wish for such a love.

encompassing my being

seeking me out as I seek it out

Love as is

in eternity.

~ 17th November 2008