Frail Old Aunt

There she was
walking
a tiny step
after another
gingerly balancing
on uneven surface
invisible footpath
amidst rushing
unseeing traffic.

She walked
tired
dragging
her frail old body
through yet
another day.

I saw her
that day
as I rushed
through my day
sped past her
without a second look.

A momentary flash
Maybe
Just maybe
today can be different
What will it take
just a moment longer
to give her a ride
ease her burden
for what are
a few precious moments
in my scurrying life.

The thought vanished
as fast as it arrived
and I continued
speeding
to aimless
destination
in pursuit
of a youthful dream,
burying my voice
deep in my busy ness.

A few months
later
as I sped
again
the familiar road
of uneven surface
invisible footpath
amidst rushing
unseeing traffic
She was missing
and so was her
frail old body,
never to be
seen again.

A pang of guilt
crossed my heart
as I sped past
yet another day
to an aimless destination
in pursuit
of a youthful dream
that could not stop
a moment longer
in service of
a frail old aunt. 

Belief?

A young boy of 10

unshackled yet

full of life and desire

happy and carefree.

Yes! he said to life

camps, sports or Arts

everything he wanted to try

one life after all.

I saw him grow

creativity was his potential

engagement was his approach

and grit was his friend.

He fell a few times

learnt to rise every time

with the same charming smile

happy and carefree.

Pride I felt

as I saw him

become a man

my work done.

He went his way

into an exciting world

to seek more of life

to create some of his own.

years later,

met him as a man

full of purpose, determination

and the same toothed smile.

Pride I felt

as I saw him

be the man.

my work done.

Yet, something

didn't sit right

the choices

he chose to make.

Abandoned his brother

with decisive finality

who chose to marry

outside his religion.

'We don't have anything to do with him!

he didn't care for us

our religion,

our reputation.'

Shattered,

I sought a chair

a moment longer

let it sink in.

Opportunities

Safe environments

role-modeling adults too

Everything and more...

...That one day

he would be a better man

creating

a better world.

Yet,

Here he was

choosing hatred

over love

choosing divisions

over humanity

choosing religion

over family

choosing...

The same toothed smile

but a different man

It didn't make sense.

have I failed?

Did something go missing

in my commitment

in my role modeling?

How could it happen?

A young boy of 10

Had become a man

that worried me

scared me

overwhelmed me.

What world did he enter?

Who did he meet?

Experiences he had?

That he became a man

unknown to me.

Is it Belief?

that shapes a man

beyond his childhood

in the dark chambers

of his being.

Belief,

where does it come from

I know not anymore. 

The Patriarch - 2

He lost his dad at 13
A man he became
for his mother
and sisters
taking decisions
for their well-being
and future.

Working two jobs
He learnt the ways
of the world.

The role of the man
as provider
and protector
a role
that wasn't meant to be.

They looked upto him
for choices and decisions
when he didn't know better.

It was not about being right
but about taking the decision.

he got some right
and most wrong
Yet, it was he
who had to make them.

Marriage meant
more decisions
for an ever growing family

He setup a trade
with borrowed money
a risk
Yet, hopeful
for a change of tide.

His confidence came
from making decisions
even when they were
patriarchal.

A word
he didn't know
a life he lived
day on day.

He worked hard
knowing
he was the provider
food, clothes, et al
holding back
his desires
along the way.

Maybe someday
I will travel the world
for now
I need to save up
for college
for two aspiring offspring
who have dreams of their own.

Nothing but the best for my children
be it food, clothes or education
He was driven
by love or
was it expectation?

A rickety scooter
for most of his life
the same barber
the same tailor
My needs are but small
he convinced himself.

A car he bought once
for his growing family
much criticism
he endured
for being wasteful
and extravagant.

He missed
many a occasion
birthdays
and graduation
many a first
for his adorable lot
when he toiled
in the dusty folds
of an unforgiving trade.

He showed concern
for their choices
clothes they wore
parties they attended
friends they welcomed
life they chose
criticized he was
'what do you know'

He didn't...
The world was changing
his struggle was real
poverty
war
emergency
the changing governments
many an ideology
he had survived it all.

If just he could convey
how much he cared
having never learnt
how to say
how much he loved.

Silence and anger
were his two shields
his only way to
show he cared.

He kept to himself
isolated
yearning
for even in their
rejection
he was still the
provider and protector.

Head down
he worked his day
14 hours
for 61 years.

His time
meant dreams
for his loved ones.

Alone
in his toil
yet never
repentant.

His children
branded him
aloof
and unavailable
old-school
and an embarrassment
for his lack
of sophistication
in clothes and language.

In time,
they left him
to pursue their dreams
create their own worlds
make their own life
where he didn't belong.

In the twilight of his life
He sits on his armchair
drool escaping his lips
awaiting in conscious sleep
A patriarch
who wasn't.

The Patriarch - 1

He sits on his armchair
drool escaping his lips
sitting in conscious sleep
in his created kingdom

'Takeaway the plates,
you bitch'
He roars
wanting to control
his waning patriarchy
in the twilight of his life

She does his bidding
grumbling under her breath
making sure he heard
yet a whisper
he cannot decipher

He growls
taking control back
This is my household
My kingdom

He sits on his armchair
eyes like a hawk
letting his sons know
who is still the boss
Dangling the keys
to the shop and the locker
He controls the money
Not trusting his sons
who have adult sons
of their own now

He sits on his armchair
remote in his hand
watching the news
or the chants of
long gone Gods
Its his time
every morning
every evening
His children fidget
wishing to catch a movie
or the new series
waiting for him to give up
sitting on his arm chair
just once
to give them the joy
of a stolen movie
in a kingdom, he owns

He sits on his armchair
reading the newspaper
all morning
She brings him his morning tea
and clears the table
She brings him his breakfast
and clears the table
He commands
Clean this shelf
Clear that sofa
Make this for lunch
expecting his voice
to be heard
even if she is busy
making the morning work
for her school going children
and her chosen God

He sits on his armchair
crushing dreams
with a dismissive hand

'No more education for you
Go sit in the shop
and learn the trade
Too much education
will make you lazy
learn to earn
just like I did
working hard
day and night
loading gunny bags
See the scars
that make me a man
its your turn now'

'A designer you say
what crap of work is that
a real man
works at the shop
commanding
minions and owning his kingdom'

He ignores his pleas
and the silent stifles
a boy being forced to manhood
before his time

A patriarch is born
in the crushing of dreams

He sits in his armchair
sipping his third tea
She stands meakly
hoping against hope
He ponders with forgone conclusion

'Study as much as you would like
but work is not for you
Girls in our family
don't go out to work
Haven't we provided
enough for you
that you seek to earn
and bring shame
to the family name

Do what you wish to
once you are married
Your husband will decide
whether you will live your dreams'

One fine day
He doesn't wake up
sitting on his armchair
drool escaping his lips

A new Patriarch
takes the armchair
and so it is...

On Seeking

As night falls
and my eyes droop
I am awake
Seeking

I find myself
running
through
mysterious rooms
dark alleys
unending spaces
and unknown cities
Seeking

I know not
what I seek
some nights
its relationships
long forgotten
on other nights
it answers to life
unnerving

Some nights
its destinations
on other nights
its journeys
some nights
its hope
on other nights
its desperation
some nights
its you
on other nights
I seek myself
Some nights
its answers
on other nights
its questions

Every night
as I hit the bed
hoping for
a dreamless sleep
I find myself
wide awake
Seeking

It's frantic
never-ending
desperate
tiring
hardwork
this Seeking

and yet

every night
as I get closer
to my Seeking
the world awakes
waking me in its fold
and putting to sleep
my Seeking
for yet another night

Here You Belong, Go Find Your Bed

Dim, dark streets
What am I looking for?
What am I running from?
Running to

There is a excitement in the fear
Is it the seeking that urges me on?
Or the instinct to find, to belong

I run through the back alleys
Knowing not where to turn
Yet my body moves
Knowing
Taking me to where I need to be

A building
Like none I have seen before
Crumbling yet alive, buzzing
Tall like holding many secrets
A city within itself

I run
Bodies all around
In the doorways and alleys
In the corridors and stacks of rooms
The small, the big, the round and the Mis-shapen

I run
Towards them or away from them
I know not
But I run
Passing their empty eyes
They look through
Not seeing me
Yet knowing me
Intimately like a lover

Their gaze
It's perturbing
Wanting
Needing
Surprisingly loving

I run
Floor after floor
A never ending maze
Of bodies and eyes

I reach the pinnacle
A spectacle of a million bodies
Adults and children
The able and disabled
In decay and yet thriving
A sea of humanity

I hope and seek sadness
I find only joy and laughter
I assume decadence
Yet in their poverty
I find thriving
I look, I seek, I wonder
Confused with this wondrous unreality

A kid
With a smile
I haven't known in life
A body so frail
Yet eyes so alive

"Here you belong,
Go find your bed!"

And bang
I am awake
In my one dimensional world
Struggling to belong
Yearning to go back
To the land of decay and alive!

Don't Educate Me Mom

Don't educate me mom
for I might have dreams
different from yours.

Don't educate me mom
for I might want to make choices
that will make you cringe.

Don't educate me mom
for I might want to take care of you
and choose not to marry.

Don't educate me mom
for I might stand up to dad
and reject his views.

Don't educate me mom
for I might fall in love
and embarrass your family.

Don't educate me mom
for I might have ambitions
greater than your aspirations.

Don't educate me mom
for you might not find a man
who respects an independent woman.

Don't educate me mom
for I might bring up my children
different to how you brought me up.

Don't educate me mom
for I might end up hurting you
when I make my own choice.

With education,
I will learn to think.
I will learn to form my opinions
and expand my horizons.
I will learn to build relationships
failing in some.
I will form my own values
and choose my own life journey.

Choose to keep me home,
my dear mom for I love you.

Educate me and
I will be
my own person
and lose your love.

A dedication to the many women in my life and work who are fighting to be their own person in their own families.

I Am Not Odd, I Am Unique

From dust and toil I was Born
To the same Mother as my brother.

Yet I am different and he is not
He is the pearl of her eye
I am the coal untouched.

He laughs, plays and makes merry
I wash, clean and work for him.

He studies
I work.

He lives
I hope to live.

Will it always be like this?
Yes says my Mom. 
You are a girl, he a boy
You are a curse, he a boon
You live for him, he lives!

I wish to be ME
Not me as the world says
I dream but with limits
I wish to be free to dream!

Am I odd, I ask
He replies, 
"You are not odd my child
You are unique,
Just like all else,
You are one in a Billion
Born to laugh, smile and live
You Will my child."

~ 5th February 2005. My first poem.

Vulnerable Me

Vulnerable with indecision.

Vulnerable with low self-esteem

Oh vulnerable me!

A dream to fulfill and thorns in the path

I take them away but worry I might hurt them

I hurt, the thorns continue to grow, 

Entrenched on the path of my dream
Oh vulnerable me!

I have bigger goals, I plead

I get caught in today.

I wish to get through

It never wishes to leave me.

Oh vulnerable me!

It wants more,
demands more,
needs more,
I let it hang around
Yet another day
Oh vulnerable me!

My goal goes farther

My dream eludes me

Oh Vulnerable me!

Makes me live in indecision

and makes me its slave.

I wish to unshackle!

I wish to unshackle

from vulnerable me.

~ 19th February 2010

Walking Away

When you look out the window
You will see me walk away.
Far from you and from our love
Into nothingness and oblivion.

You will not be able to stop me
even if thats all you wish
For my place in your life
is over forever.

You helped me find love
Now I need to unlearn love.

You helped me find companionship
Now I seek loneliness again.

As with everything in life,
I learn to embrace
sorrow that follows happiness.

When you look out the window
you will find me gone
Me and my shadow
forever from your life!

I found love in your embrace
and pain in your rejection.

I found myself in your eyes
and lost myself in your demands.

I found wholesomeness in your companionship
and also emptiness in your faraway gaze.

Time to move on
Free you from the one
that curtails your dreams.

Time to move on
to let your dreams soar
and find their home.

Time to not hold back
but let go.

For in your happiness,
I know I will find mine.
In your dreams,
I will find my peace.

So what, if in our time together
we discovered our dreams are different
atleast we discovered our dreams.

So what, if in our togetherness
we discovered who we are not
atleast now we can seek who we are.

So what, if in our togetherness
we discovered our differences
atleast now we can find one to love.

When you look out the window
you will see me gone,
myself and my shadow, 
forever
leaving no trace
of even our memories.

We can start our journeys again,
our journeys of love and discovery
so what,
if its not together.

~ 13th July 2010

A Dream Last Night

A dream last night.

You were in it.

We walked through London

hand in hand.

We spoke

We dreamt

We thought 

about our life together.

We laughed

We shopped 

We looked far into the future.

You gave me a peck

I smiled.

Suddenly,

A group of revelers 

came dancing by,

They grabbed you

took you away
In a sea of humanity.

I ran after

helter and skelter

searching

and searching

not finding you

scared and afraid

lonely and worried.

I woke.

disturbed.

~ 25th July 2010

Dread Going Back

Dread, I do, Going back

for more reasons than one.

Here, anonymous

a nobody!

Back home,

somebody's dream

somebody's expectations

somebody's boss

somebody's ex-love

Dread, I do, going back

to the same morning

the same day

the same responsibilities

the same burdens

Dread, I do, going back

to being a boss

a manager

a torch-bearer 
of a thousand expectations

Dread, I do, going back

to being a son

a friend

a man of the world again

Dread, I do, going back

to the days
of memories
of familiar streets
of familiar people
of familiar love
longing in its want.

Dread, I do, going back

knowing fully well

she will not await me

neither will she be around

to share my life with me

Dread, I do, going back

to not loving.
wishing it
desperately
not allowing.

Dread, I do, going back 

to who I am!

Stay here, I wish

a stranger
a nobody.

~ 25th July 2010.

These are posts I wrote on a tissue sitting at a local bar in Prague in January 2010. 

Within Me

I carry happiness and sadness 
with me through the day.
They are good company 
stay with me like quiet pets.

Sometimes they flutter 
wanting to jump out
triggering memories 
of joy and sorrow.
lifting my spirits
or pushing me to the very edge.
But they stay with me, 
like faithful companions.

In my travels,
People come to listen
seek inspiration
Needing to feel 
the world is still a happy place to be in!

They hear me, my stories 
Feel inspired, get energized.
They come to hear me 
someone telling them,
"He's my hero! You should hear what he says!"

I carry that responsibility
Even in my most vulnerable moments, 
with sincerity and gratitude. 

I am mostly honest 
Carrying my heart on my sleeve.
Being myself is part of that responsibility,
Being vulnerable at times 
with Honesty and Failures
with insecurities and frailties.
They see bits of them in my story
and sometimes people melt 
with my humble take on life
some say, 
I talk like a 70 yr old 
in the body of the 32 yr old 
and heart of a 9 yr old.
I accept it all
with gratitude. 

Inspite, 
it is in moments of loneliness,
sadness emerges from his shadows
almost creeps behind me 
catching me unaware.

I am glad, 
like a faithful companion 
It creeps in only when I am alone
sometimes, it scares me 
and I avoid being alone,
I like knowing its there, 
but don't like it all over me.

In those moments, 
all I wish is to curl up
or jump off the window of the highest floor
or drown in the seas
or jump onto a moving train

At times like these, 
I look up seeking
wishing to have someone near
not finding, 
I hang onto sadness
sometimes drop a tear
Beginning to lose them too,
they don't come easy anymore
leaving me more lonely
with, ofcourse, sadness
to give me company.

I dread,
its got a secret goal,
creating a hole 
deep in my heart,
making me cold as a stone
and empty too 
drying me of feelings
feeding itself on me
slowly and determinedly.

One of these days
It will engulf me for good

Strange is my day,
while I inspire the world around me,
I feel empty deep within me!

~ 20th November 2010

I Am An Aeroplane

Just as the sun went down

I set about on my journey,

I caught the last few rays 
of the pink, orange & red

gave it a dignified salute 
for being the constant

it always is

embraced with happiness 
the stars and moon

that peeked to guide my journey.

I love the abundant expanse of the skies,

It gives me peace and time to reflect

Cruising above the clouds

Looking at the sheer emptiness

moving towards infinity

It makes me realize my littleness

in the largeness of this universe

I wonder who I carry today

A parent going home to her children

A daughter going home to her parents

A lover to his beloved

or a family on a holiday

Is it a weary traveler,

worn out from the long journey

and treading the difficult parts of life,

Sometimes,
A traveler running away,

from life and loved ones

or broken hearts and promises.

I take them all into my embrace

without prejudice or caution

and give them those few hours of solitude

amongst hundreds!

I much love my relationship

with the expanse of the sky

my friendship 
with the moon, sun and the stars,

I love destinations too!

For they give my journey partners 
light at the end of the tunnel.

They tell them, home is always near

just a few hours away

and I am always here,

to take you home

to your loved ones or otherwise!

I am a loner in the sky,

sometimes winking at my friend

taking another route to another destination,

But, when on ground,

I love being amongst my friends

and the friendly chatter of the humans

who take care of me and nurture me

for yet another journey

I love taking the world into my bosom!

Into their destinations of life!

some coming home,

others running away!

I am an Aeroplane!

~ 23rd November 2010