The Patriarch - 2

He lost his dad at 13
A man he became
for his mother
and sisters
taking decisions
for their well-being
and future.

Working two jobs
He learnt the ways
of the world.

The role of the man
as provider
and protector
a role
that wasn't meant to be.

They looked upto him
for choices and decisions
when he didn't know better.

It was not about being right
but about taking the decision.

he got some right
and most wrong
Yet, it was he
who had to make them.

Marriage meant
more decisions
for an ever growing family

He setup a trade
with borrowed money
a risk
Yet, hopeful
for a change of tide.

His confidence came
from making decisions
even when they were
patriarchal.

A word
he didn't know
a life he lived
day on day.

He worked hard
knowing
he was the provider
food, clothes, et al
holding back
his desires
along the way.

Maybe someday
I will travel the world
for now
I need to save up
for college
for two aspiring offspring
who have dreams of their own.

Nothing but the best for my children
be it food, clothes or education
He was driven
by love or
was it expectation?

A rickety scooter
for most of his life
the same barber
the same tailor
My needs are but small
he convinced himself.

A car he bought once
for his growing family
much criticism
he endured
for being wasteful
and extravagant.

He missed
many a occasion
birthdays
and graduation
many a first
for his adorable lot
when he toiled
in the dusty folds
of an unforgiving trade.

He showed concern
for their choices
clothes they wore
parties they attended
friends they welcomed
life they chose
criticized he was
'what do you know'

He didn't...
The world was changing
his struggle was real
poverty
war
emergency
the changing governments
many an ideology
he had survived it all.

If just he could convey
how much he cared
having never learnt
how to say
how much he loved.

Silence and anger
were his two shields
his only way to
show he cared.

He kept to himself
isolated
yearning
for even in their
rejection
he was still the
provider and protector.

Head down
he worked his day
14 hours
for 61 years.

His time
meant dreams
for his loved ones.

Alone
in his toil
yet never
repentant.

His children
branded him
aloof
and unavailable
old-school
and an embarrassment
for his lack
of sophistication
in clothes and language.

In time,
they left him
to pursue their dreams
create their own worlds
make their own life
where he didn't belong.

In the twilight of his life
He sits on his armchair
drool escaping his lips
awaiting in conscious sleep
A patriarch
who wasn't.

Loneliness

Have you ever felt lonely
in the midst of fulfillment?
in the midst of a crowd?
in love?
in passion?

Have you ever felt lonely
in the midst of achievement?
in the midst of recognition?
in time, time and again?
in spaces, here and there?

Loneliness,
how you reside in my life now
growing on me day and night
every second and minute

I wonder if there is a reason
as there is with everything else

Loneliness,
why have you chosen me
constant and ever there?

~ 2nd September 2008

Cupid Again

Its not been a month
Cupid has reared its face again,
Enticing me,
Titillating me,
With the illusions of the world

It presents me opportunities
Where none existed earlier
It makes my heart tug
At every bench round the corner

The world my playground
and I its only player.

Yet, I wish one wish.
Take me back to my beloved
And make her love me again!

Cupid! Are you listening?

~ 19th February 2010

Walking Away

When you look out the window
You will see me walk away.
Far from you and from our love
Into nothingness and oblivion.

You will not be able to stop me
even if thats all you wish
For my place in your life
is over forever.

You helped me find love
Now I need to unlearn love.

You helped me find companionship
Now I seek loneliness again.

As with everything in life,
I learn to embrace
sorrow that follows happiness.

When you look out the window
you will find me gone
Me and my shadow
forever from your life!

I found love in your embrace
and pain in your rejection.

I found myself in your eyes
and lost myself in your demands.

I found wholesomeness in your companionship
and also emptiness in your faraway gaze.

Time to move on
Free you from the one
that curtails your dreams.

Time to move on
to let your dreams soar
and find their home.

Time to not hold back
but let go.

For in your happiness,
I know I will find mine.
In your dreams,
I will find my peace.

So what, if in our time together
we discovered our dreams are different
atleast we discovered our dreams.

So what, if in our togetherness
we discovered who we are not
atleast now we can seek who we are.

So what, if in our togetherness
we discovered our differences
atleast now we can find one to love.

When you look out the window
you will see me gone,
myself and my shadow, 
forever
leaving no trace
of even our memories.

We can start our journeys again,
our journeys of love and discovery
so what,
if its not together.

~ 13th July 2010

The Bar

There's something about sitting at the Bar and not the table
It gives a bartender's view of life.
I neither feel like a customer nor a bar-tender.
I feel like an observer of life.

Its fascinating to watch them work behind the counters
Making concoctions simple and complex
filling it up
serving, talking, playing, cleaning
Its all about efficiency and speed
Their eyes catch you even before you talk
almost hearing you think.

They know their drinks
and their customers
They are the keeper of secrets
and many a story.
sometimes, they give you a story
or a piece of profound life advice
people of a few words
unless you catch them
at the end of their day.

They are never tired of serving
or listening
love to have you sit at the bar

Maybe a signboard might help
"Drinks come pricey
The bartender is all yours for free"

~ 25th July 2010
These are posts I wrote on a tissue sitting at a local bar in Prague in January 2010.

A Creature Of Habit

A creature of habit, am I

Vodka, it is, sometimes wine

and so it is with most things in my life.

A scooter it is,

formal clothes to boot, 

a haircut of 10 years

and a barber even longer. 

A passion of 11 years

and dream for life.

A love for movies and fantasy

An escape from conflicts.

Never the same,

in love though.
The way to love.
A creature of habit, yet again.

To cultivate though

the habit of love, for one

stop the game of seek and fall

But, alas, its one habit

that seems to elude

yet again.

~ 25th July 2010

These are posts I wrote on a tissue sitting at a local bar in Prague in January 2010. 

Tlusta Koala

It is 11 pm

The night was young yet.

The choice was

My hostel room

or a drink at the bar

with myself and poetry.

I chose the latter

never to regret it

and to tell a tale 

yet another day.

I am at Tlusta Koala

Was here another night

with Indians, Brazilians and Egyptians

Today,

I come alone

with pen and tissue

and a lonely heart.

As the name goes, 

the place has many a Koala Bear

Big and Small,

Grey, Blue and Brown

making up its walls

and coasters too.

But otherwise,

its a regular pub

made special

by the Absolut Vodka

of my choice!

~ 25th July 2010

These are posts I wrote on a tissue sitting at a local bar in Prague in January 2010. 

Within Me

I carry happiness and sadness 
with me through the day.
They are good company 
stay with me like quiet pets.

Sometimes they flutter 
wanting to jump out
triggering memories 
of joy and sorrow.
lifting my spirits
or pushing me to the very edge.
But they stay with me, 
like faithful companions.

In my travels,
People come to listen
seek inspiration
Needing to feel 
the world is still a happy place to be in!

They hear me, my stories 
Feel inspired, get energized.
They come to hear me 
someone telling them,
"He's my hero! You should hear what he says!"

I carry that responsibility
Even in my most vulnerable moments, 
with sincerity and gratitude. 

I am mostly honest 
Carrying my heart on my sleeve.
Being myself is part of that responsibility,
Being vulnerable at times 
with Honesty and Failures
with insecurities and frailties.
They see bits of them in my story
and sometimes people melt 
with my humble take on life
some say, 
I talk like a 70 yr old 
in the body of the 32 yr old 
and heart of a 9 yr old.
I accept it all
with gratitude. 

Inspite, 
it is in moments of loneliness,
sadness emerges from his shadows
almost creeps behind me 
catching me unaware.

I am glad, 
like a faithful companion 
It creeps in only when I am alone
sometimes, it scares me 
and I avoid being alone,
I like knowing its there, 
but don't like it all over me.

In those moments, 
all I wish is to curl up
or jump off the window of the highest floor
or drown in the seas
or jump onto a moving train

At times like these, 
I look up seeking
wishing to have someone near
not finding, 
I hang onto sadness
sometimes drop a tear
Beginning to lose them too,
they don't come easy anymore
leaving me more lonely
with, ofcourse, sadness
to give me company.

I dread,
its got a secret goal,
creating a hole 
deep in my heart,
making me cold as a stone
and empty too 
drying me of feelings
feeding itself on me
slowly and determinedly.

One of these days
It will engulf me for good

Strange is my day,
while I inspire the world around me,
I feel empty deep within me!

~ 20th November 2010