Expectant Gaze

Muddled Head

Heavy Heart

I Walk

Not To Seek Solace

Just To Breathe

Behind My Blue Mask.

Soon Enough

I See Them Lined

As They See Me

I Catch Her Gaze

Welcoming

Hesitant And 

Expectant 

And Then Another

Yet Another

All Lined Up

Seeking A Buyer

To Their Earnest

Livelihood.

Further Down

A Familiar Smell

Wafts Through The Air

Crispy Pakodas

Fresh Out Of A Fryer

As She Serves

A Hungry Soul

I Catch Her Gaze

Welcoming

And Expectant

Luring Me 

To Buy Her Wares

So The Old Couple

Could Have A Meal Tonight.

I See Them

Everywhere Now

Those Expectant Eyes

That Rickshaw Puller

Seeking His First Ride

On A Listless Day

That Tiny Shop

Run By An Old Grandpa

Offering Photocopying

In A Locked Out City

That Chocolate Store

Newly Opened

With Dreams 

That Shattered Too Soon

That Flower Lady

Who Walked Miles

To Get A Fresh Bunch

Before Daybreak

Stringing Them Together

In Hope

Of A Faithful

Wanting To Please

His Despondent God

An Expectant Couple

Looking Beyond 

The Curtained Confines

Of A Locked Up Temple

Seeking Blessings

From Their Invisible God

As They Hope 

For A Girl

To Hold Together

The Last Few Shreds

Of A Broken Marriage

The Juice Center

The Vegetable Vendor

The Tea Maker

The Gift Shop

And The 

Hungry Mongrel

Seeking A Friendly 

Sapien,

A Expectant Gaze,

They All Carry.

For

An Expectant Gaze

Awaits Them

As Their Guilty Eyes

Make Their Way Home

Not Having Earned

A Penny

In A Whole Day’s Toil.

Hungry Eyes

Hopeful Souls

Seek Answers

How Much Longer Mom?

Before We Are Seen

By This Decaying World

And Its Apathetic People

How Much Longer Dad?

Before They Realize

We Are Humans Too

Not Castaways In 

The Peking Order

Of Economic Choices

A Muddled Head

An Even Heavier Heart

I Trudge Back Home

Unable To Breathe

Behind The Weight

Of An Expectant Gaze. 

That Knowing Frown

Some go quietly
Having lived

Some kick and turn
Wishing more of
every tiny breath

Yet others suffer
Unwilling to let go
Something! something
Holding them back.

She was one of those
Fierce ones
Holding onto life
Like a child
To its favourite toy

Kicking and turning
Fighting with a frown
Battle scars and all
Holding onto life
With all its betrayals

The frown
Is all I remember
Fierce,
Unforgiving
Ungiving

She clenched her fists
Bring it on
In her demeanour

Through
Loss,
Pain,
Suffering,
Loneliness,
Betrayals
She lived on

A few weeks back
A flicker I caught
A tiny one
Letting go

The battle
We well know
We all will lose

She did too
Last night

In her final moments
Like in life
She needed none
She had none

Death took her
Where it awaited her

And just like that
Today, she was
Just bone and flesh

And all that stayed
That knowing
Frown!

Belief?

A young boy of 10

unshackled yet

full of life and desire

happy and carefree.

Yes! he said to life

camps, sports or Arts

everything he wanted to try

one life after all.

I saw him grow

creativity was his potential

engagement was his approach

and grit was his friend.

He fell a few times

learnt to rise every time

with the same charming smile

happy and carefree.

Pride I felt

as I saw him

become a man

my work done.

He went his way

into an exciting world

to seek more of life

to create some of his own.

years later,

met him as a man

full of purpose, determination

and the same toothed smile.

Pride I felt

as I saw him

be the man.

my work done.

Yet, something

didn't sit right

the choices

he chose to make.

Abandoned his brother

with decisive finality

who chose to marry

outside his religion.

'We don't have anything to do with him!

he didn't care for us

our religion,

our reputation.'

Shattered,

I sought a chair

a moment longer

let it sink in.

Opportunities

Safe environments

role-modeling adults too

Everything and more...

...That one day

he would be a better man

creating

a better world.

Yet,

Here he was

choosing hatred

over love

choosing divisions

over humanity

choosing religion

over family

choosing...

The same toothed smile

but a different man

It didn't make sense.

have I failed?

Did something go missing

in my commitment

in my role modeling?

How could it happen?

A young boy of 10

Had become a man

that worried me

scared me

overwhelmed me.

What world did he enter?

Who did he meet?

Experiences he had?

That he became a man

unknown to me.

Is it Belief?

that shapes a man

beyond his childhood

in the dark chambers

of his being.

Belief,

where does it come from

I know not anymore. 

The Patriarch - 2

He lost his dad at 13
A man he became
for his mother
and sisters
taking decisions
for their well-being
and future.

Working two jobs
He learnt the ways
of the world.

The role of the man
as provider
and protector
a role
that wasn't meant to be.

They looked upto him
for choices and decisions
when he didn't know better.

It was not about being right
but about taking the decision.

he got some right
and most wrong
Yet, it was he
who had to make them.

Marriage meant
more decisions
for an ever growing family

He setup a trade
with borrowed money
a risk
Yet, hopeful
for a change of tide.

His confidence came
from making decisions
even when they were
patriarchal.

A word
he didn't know
a life he lived
day on day.

He worked hard
knowing
he was the provider
food, clothes, et al
holding back
his desires
along the way.

Maybe someday
I will travel the world
for now
I need to save up
for college
for two aspiring offspring
who have dreams of their own.

Nothing but the best for my children
be it food, clothes or education
He was driven
by love or
was it expectation?

A rickety scooter
for most of his life
the same barber
the same tailor
My needs are but small
he convinced himself.

A car he bought once
for his growing family
much criticism
he endured
for being wasteful
and extravagant.

He missed
many a occasion
birthdays
and graduation
many a first
for his adorable lot
when he toiled
in the dusty folds
of an unforgiving trade.

He showed concern
for their choices
clothes they wore
parties they attended
friends they welcomed
life they chose
criticized he was
'what do you know'

He didn't...
The world was changing
his struggle was real
poverty
war
emergency
the changing governments
many an ideology
he had survived it all.

If just he could convey
how much he cared
having never learnt
how to say
how much he loved.

Silence and anger
were his two shields
his only way to
show he cared.

He kept to himself
isolated
yearning
for even in their
rejection
he was still the
provider and protector.

Head down
he worked his day
14 hours
for 61 years.

His time
meant dreams
for his loved ones.

Alone
in his toil
yet never
repentant.

His children
branded him
aloof
and unavailable
old-school
and an embarrassment
for his lack
of sophistication
in clothes and language.

In time,
they left him
to pursue their dreams
create their own worlds
make their own life
where he didn't belong.

In the twilight of his life
He sits on his armchair
drool escaping his lips
awaiting in conscious sleep
A patriarch
who wasn't.

Tottering On My Two Little Feet

Tottering on my two little feet,
I walk this world
I know not happiness
I know not pain
Everything is new
Everything a discovery
The scraps, mud and stones
The muck and broken glass too
I lift all, put some in my mouth
Some make me smile
Some make me frown
Some feed my hunger
Some make me ill

Tottering on my two little feet,
I walk this world
In untidy clothes
And happy grin
I rest under trees
On my mom's bony lap
The leaves caress me
Putting me to a dreamless sleep

Tottering on my two little feet,
I walk this world
A game we play
My mom and I
Finding food
In places new
Some on strewn packets
Some under muddy stones
In corners and garbage bins too
Oh how exciting!
Good we are
In our daily adventure

A sister I will have soon
Says my mom
Oh! How exciting
The places I can't wait to show her
That special bin with always a surprise
The tree that I love to hug
And the dog that wags and licks me
The traffic light where I always get shiny coins

Oh! What a wonderful world
Isn't it!!
So much to see, feel and live
Then, why doesn't my mom smile?

I Am An Aeroplane

Just as the sun went down

I set about on my journey,

I caught the last few rays 
of the pink, orange & red

gave it a dignified salute 
for being the constant

it always is

embraced with happiness 
the stars and moon

that peeked to guide my journey.

I love the abundant expanse of the skies,

It gives me peace and time to reflect

Cruising above the clouds

Looking at the sheer emptiness

moving towards infinity

It makes me realize my littleness

in the largeness of this universe

I wonder who I carry today

A parent going home to her children

A daughter going home to her parents

A lover to his beloved

or a family on a holiday

Is it a weary traveler,

worn out from the long journey

and treading the difficult parts of life,

Sometimes,
A traveler running away,

from life and loved ones

or broken hearts and promises.

I take them all into my embrace

without prejudice or caution

and give them those few hours of solitude

amongst hundreds!

I much love my relationship

with the expanse of the sky

my friendship 
with the moon, sun and the stars,

I love destinations too!

For they give my journey partners 
light at the end of the tunnel.

They tell them, home is always near

just a few hours away

and I am always here,

to take you home

to your loved ones or otherwise!

I am a loner in the sky,

sometimes winking at my friend

taking another route to another destination,

But, when on ground,

I love being amongst my friends

and the friendly chatter of the humans

who take care of me and nurture me

for yet another journey

I love taking the world into my bosom!

Into their destinations of life!

some coming home,

others running away!

I am an Aeroplane!

~ 23rd November 2010

Awake In My Mind

In the silence of the night,
my mind is in chaos
so weak and vulnerable
trapped in the frivolities of life
and its complexities.

You said this, I said this
I felt this, you felt that
I refuse to listen
My word more important
How I feel is more important
I am more important
than YOU!

I feel from the heart
act and react from my mind
It controls me and my night

A night I was looking forward to
Now filled with chaos
as my mind battles my own self
and revels in keeping me awake
in the mundane and the mediocrity
of life and its complexities.

~ October 2012