Ruffled Hair

Ruffled hair
unkempt shirt
holed shorts
sockless and
unlaced shoes
He walked
to school
looking down
staying invisible
Furtive glances
playing hide and seek
through piercing eyes
he makes his way
to his
daily torture.

A moment
longer
he awaits
becoming steely
sighing with
resignation
he enters
the rusted gate.

Whispers
become
full blown
laughter
as crowds
circle his
small frame.

Poking sticks
and furling stones
greet him
to this
temple of learning

Not one
touching him
disgusted as they are
by his unkempt being
and smelly
unbathed body
Holding noses
with
disgruntled noises
poke they do
and run as fast.

The brave ones
kicking him
around.
Quietly, he endures
It's momentary
right?
Not knowing
the trauma
has made
home
deep in his
body
for a
lifetime to come.

An invisible
corner
in a dingy room
he seeks
at best
hoping.

In he walks,
purposeful
Cane in tow
with
starched white
and pleated blacks
Shoes as
clean as new
and hair
gelled
nicely
into place.

Scans he
with disdain
his proteges
who await
in fearful silence
for their inevitable
turn.

Its always him,
sharp eyes
make the silhouette
of his
hidden frame
a glee
shone in his eyes.

Ram he roars!
sending shivers
down the
entire herd
his voice
booming
the cane plush
ready to fulfil
its master's bidding.

Not again,
groans Ram
Why do I
even try,
he walks
dragging his
unkempt being.

A swish
cuts through 

the still air
splitting skin 

in abused palms
Yet
another day
in paradise.

Feeling
exceptionally
generous
he demands
for parted cheeks
in between naked legs
Another swish
cuts the pregnant
air
tearing through
dark pink skin
in gleeful joy.

Ram holds
willing
himself,
'not for him
a single tear.'
Again and again
the master goes,
splitting cheeks
to expose bone
and broken spirit.

A silent tear
the class bully
too drops
as he
watches
this dance
of terror.

a gloomy day 
ensues
in dingy corridors
of broken walls
wailing
the loss of childhood
for yet 

another day.

Not one
ruffles his
hair
no more
staying away
from his smelly
unkempt being,
bloodied body
and
broken spirit.

Never again,
he promises
as he takes
his last step
out of the
hallowed
gates
of this
temple of ruin.

Years later,
as he brutalizes
his nth victim,
with swishes
of bloodied cane
robbed
years ago
from a soulless
master.

Long forgotten
his own
body scars
for they
have seeped
deep in his soul
showing him
the ways of
world
and
he in it.

His hair
stays ruffled
stays
forever ruffled!

I Am My Relations

I am my relations

I come from
My burdens
My obligations
My responsibilities
And identities
That cage me

I come from
My desires
My needs
My aspirations
And incompletions
That fail me

I come from
My connections
And disconnections too

I come from
In me
Within me
Out me
And Other me

I come
From
The womb
The blood
And the soul
That embody me

I come from
The name
Of the family
And the caste
That birthed me

I come from
My neighbourhood
The smells and sights
The senses and noises
That shaped me

I come from
My work
My titles
My power
And the seats
That feed my ego

I come from
The streets of my childhood
The memories of my past
The food that I feed
And the body that I call mine

I come from
The grass
The flowers
And thorns
That nurture me

I, we, us
Aren't we one
Us, we, I
We are one

In oneness,
I am enough

Raped

Tata (grandpa)
I fondly called him

Then the Rapists
one after the other
all
known to me

Kind eyes
turned lusty
heavy bodies
smelly orifices
Were they 17?

The beatings
Threats
Sneers
Cold laughter
Sent a chill
Until a log was I
Dead, yet alive

The laughter still rings
jarring my being
drowning my screams

Pleadings
Just 12, I am
falling to deaf ears

Would it be over soon
Wished I of death
Willed I of death

Time became a whisper
Dark I befriended
For light
an unfortunate reminder
Still alive am I?

12, I said?
Just right
They cheered
Hunger in their eyes
Meat I be

Let me go
Not to my birther
For I don't wish her
To see me
butchered

Let me go
To my creator
So he can face me
For it must be a He

7 months?
I know not
Time stood still
The day it began

My body
My being
My soul

RAPED

Here You Belong, Go Find Your Bed

Dim, dark streets
What am I looking for?
What am I running from?
Running to

There is a excitement in the fear
Is it the seeking that urges me on?
Or the instinct to find, to belong

I run through the back alleys
Knowing not where to turn
Yet my body moves
Knowing
Taking me to where I need to be

A building
Like none I have seen before
Crumbling yet alive, buzzing
Tall like holding many secrets
A city within itself

I run
Bodies all around
In the doorways and alleys
In the corridors and stacks of rooms
The small, the big, the round and the Mis-shapen

I run
Towards them or away from them
I know not
But I run
Passing their empty eyes
They look through
Not seeing me
Yet knowing me
Intimately like a lover

Their gaze
It's perturbing
Wanting
Needing
Surprisingly loving

I run
Floor after floor
A never ending maze
Of bodies and eyes

I reach the pinnacle
A spectacle of a million bodies
Adults and children
The able and disabled
In decay and yet thriving
A sea of humanity

I hope and seek sadness
I find only joy and laughter
I assume decadence
Yet in their poverty
I find thriving
I look, I seek, I wonder
Confused with this wondrous unreality

A kid
With a smile
I haven't known in life
A body so frail
Yet eyes so alive

"Here you belong,
Go find your bed!"

And bang
I am awake
In my one dimensional world
Struggling to belong
Yearning to go back
To the land of decay and alive!

Tottering On My Two Little Feet

Tottering on my two little feet,
I walk this world
I know not happiness
I know not pain
Everything is new
Everything a discovery
The scraps, mud and stones
The muck and broken glass too
I lift all, put some in my mouth
Some make me smile
Some make me frown
Some feed my hunger
Some make me ill

Tottering on my two little feet,
I walk this world
In untidy clothes
And happy grin
I rest under trees
On my mom's bony lap
The leaves caress me
Putting me to a dreamless sleep

Tottering on my two little feet,
I walk this world
A game we play
My mom and I
Finding food
In places new
Some on strewn packets
Some under muddy stones
In corners and garbage bins too
Oh how exciting!
Good we are
In our daily adventure

A sister I will have soon
Says my mom
Oh! How exciting
The places I can't wait to show her
That special bin with always a surprise
The tree that I love to hug
And the dog that wags and licks me
The traffic light where I always get shiny coins

Oh! What a wonderful world
Isn't it!!
So much to see, feel and live
Then, why doesn't my mom smile?

A City I can Trust

Give me a city I can Trust!

A city where I can walk with freedom
Where I feel safe to walk the streets
Where I am not killed because of my gender
Where I can be fearless and alive

Give me a city I can trust
Where I know I will be taken care of
protected and loved
Where I can trust my fellow humans
and not fear dark corners or shadows in the night

Give me a city I can trust
Where I can play in parks
Breathe clean air
Care for stray dogs and cats
smell the earth
Fly kites and dance in the rain
pluck fruits from trees
and wake up to chirping of birds

Give me a city
Where love, care and empathy
for all humans, creatures and nature
are the basic tenets of society
and we are the care-takers.

Give me a city I can trust
Where I can make friends with strangers and neighbours
without feeling fearful
Where I get the respect I deserve
for being who I am.

Give me a city
Where I have a say!
Where I can discover and nurture my dreams!
Where I can explore in wonder
the beauty of our world
and feel proud to be a child
born in this city.

I urge you!
Give me a city I want to be born in!

~ An unborn child, 26th November 2012

Seeking Forgiveness

I didn't do much when I first heard the brutality
I didn't join the protests
Neither did I sign petitions.
I prayed for strength to help you get through
I watched in disbelief as the politics unfolded
I went into a shell when friends spoke about it.

I shivered and shuddered at the gory details
I tried to imagine how horrifying it must have been
to go through that night
It was too painful
just to imagine 
I left it there

I felt raw anger at the perpetrators
On many nights, I imagined buying a gun
and shooting them down
just to release my own pain.

I felt guilty
I knew I had failed you
I knew I was as guilty
just as the six who committed the crime
I didn't know how to forgive me
living in my own guilt
day in and day out

Today when my love
drives home late
I am on tenterhooks
till she reaches home safe
I know I have imagined
following her home
just to be sure
she is safe

My world has changed
as your world changed
Yours more brutally
mine more subtly
Change it indeed has.

The verdict was passed
They got a punished
Arguably not enough by many
One got a lot less
I saw their pictures.
I looked into their eyes
I saw the brutality
I felt a shiver down my spine
as I imagined
how innocent their faces looked
and how brutal their intentions were.

Yet,
I search for the child.
The child that lives
Inside each of them

The child
with a smile to melt a heart
taking their first baby steps
the chuckle
the gibberish as they learn to speak
the twinkle in their eye
when they discover the world
the curiosity with which
they embrace the world
the laughter, the chitter-chatter
the hugs and their selfless love.

I saw my 2-year old nephew in them
the confident and wavering first steps
the curiosity to take on life
the fascination with everything new
the obsession with learning, absorbing, soaking in the world.

I wonder when that innocence was taken away
Why that innocence was taken away
Was it the rejection, the neglect, the abuse?
Was it the beatings, the admonitions, the environment?
Where did love replace so much hatred
When did love replace so much hatred
Was there love ever?

I am aching to feel, to understand
their first seed of hatred,
the brutality that took over the sparkle,
the abuse that took over the twinkle,
the beatings that replaced the love.

I hear that child cry
incessantly and infinitely
helpless
I see that child die
the day their brutality overtook
Is anyone listening?

Words fail me
I attempt to weave their life
meet their innocent child
meet them at that place in their life
where hatred met them
show them the path of love
I wish I was there when they made the choice
I wish I could show them the path of love

I know the child wanted it
the child craved for it
the child needed it
yet we failed.

We failed you
We failed that child living inside each of them
We failed your faith in humanity

I make a promise
Not of justice
but of commitment
to reach children like the six
and fill their life with love
weed out their brutality
Ensure it never makes home again 
in their innocent heart.

I commit
to tirelessly
bring love
into the life
of every child
that I possibly can

In that
Jyoti Singh
I may find
my forgiveness.

~ September 2013

Note: Reflections from my own turmoil when the brutal gang rape of Jyoti Singh happened in a moving bus in Delhi on 16th December 2012.